The Grazianimal Speaks

2010-10-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

It has been 4 years!!! Time Flies. Educations take a while. Seton Hall bestowed upon me an MBA in Sport Management. HAHAHA Now it is official.

Where to begin? I have no idea how the spellcheck works on this thing. Everything is yellow now. But I can add a picture: Check that out!

So I got the Oscar Madison thing down. HOLLA!

Donovan McNabb has now brought his ability to lose important games to my Redskins. What a breath of stale air. Jason Cambell will now lose all kinds of games for the Raiders. Al Davis is still awesome.

Islanders actually found a player in the first round: John Taveres. Just a whiff of the Pat LaFontaine days in the air! If they move to K.C. there will be hell to pay.

Knicks get Mello! Now. I am gonna swear off taking shots at Dolan for a while. He is a man in need of help. As a New Yorker I reach out my hand. We can do this thing. Lose the Chicago boy.

Mets. AHHUGGGhhh. I am mad about the Shea/Citi thing. But the silver lining is that NY has a pitcher's park. Keep it that way, Mr. Wilpon.

I am in K.C. and there are 3 Royals games left. I think I can find a ticket. And the Devil Rays are in town. Wait, it is a whole new era. They are just the Devils now.

2 and 1 and 2 and 1 and 1 and 2 in 3 leagues.

Football Friday: Baltimore at Pittsburgh: Over 34 and a half. Lions plus 14 and a half.

The Grazianimal, DJ No Clearance, Mongo, 52X, MC Asymmetry, Death At The Box Office is back.

HOLLA!

Week Eleven

2006-11-17T19:02:00.000-08:00

The Time is NOW!
By the Grazianimal

All season we wait. We search and search and we haggle and conspire. Then it Happens! Every year a featured back spits the bit or in this case busts his paw and we can pounce. Clinton Portis has stunk all season and made many a Skin fan wince with his mediocre production, but the light has shone down on young Ladell Betts and he is available. This guy has been picking up the slack for Portis all season and to be honest Ladell has looked better then his more bally-hooed compatriot. Now here is the really good news, the Redskins still have to play all the games on their schedule, so Ladell is gonna see some work.
Washington came into the season riding high after a playoff win last year. An aging QB, Clinton Portis slowed and now out for the year with injury and a defense that regressed considerably all combined to put the season in the crap heap. Joe Gibbs has made the decision to go with Jason Campbell. Lets hope the kid is at least good enough to win the job from 55 year-old Mark Brunell. I think that Betts will show enough down the stretch that Clinton will be splitting carries next year at best. Now if my Fantasy team did not crap the bed worse then the Skins this year…
I gotta talk to you about the New Orleans Saints. How important is a QB that does not stink? Aaron Brooks for Drew Brees. It takes Reggie Bush 10 weeks to find the endzone and the Used to be ’Aints are 6 and 3. ’Nuff said.
Tom Brady has been a cornerstone QB for a while. A lot of teams depend on him without a second thought. Well it is time to put your thinking caps on. The dude has lost two in a row for the first time in forever. He is nursing a severe injury. If he wasn’t do you think that The Sweatshirt would have dusted off Vinny for this week’s rumble on the tundra. Brady is a higher risk then he first appears. He could see the pine in a blow out or get knocked out if a hit aggravates his injury. The Pack is a much better team at home in Lambeau. Sit Brady if a decent option is on your roster.
The best game of the week will be in Dallas. The Colts are rollin’ again and The Cowpokes are a whole different set of rootin’ tootin’ hombre’s with Romo at the reins. Jason Witten has returned as a must start TE with Romo passing. Mike Francessa said Witten was seeing the ball not because Romo loved him, but because the TE was actually out in passing routes instead of blocking for Bledsoe. Makes sense to me. This game is gonna be fun. You know that nobody can stop Peyton until the playoffs loom. T.O. will be present. The Colts are so bad against the run that either Dallas RB looks like a good #2 start. Pigskins will fly.
Trent Green is back in the saddle again. He took off 2 and a half months with tweety birds circling the old noggin. If he was not a superior passer then Herm would have stuck with Huard like he wanted to. This is good news for all KC offensive options. Trent gets the Raiders at home for his return. A better QB will make the field open up for LJ and LJ makes all defenses ignore the passing game. Some points should be up for grabs. Kris Wilson will be subing for Tony Gonzalez if you need a flyer TE and Samie Parker is a good option at WR if you need a WR on short notice.
Condolences to the family Schembechler.

Grazianimal@columnist.com

For ESPN.com

2006-11-15T19:38:00.000-08:00

New York is #1
By Bob Graziano
When it comes to football New York is number 1. More footballs get tossed, caught spiked and fumbled in New York then all the other states combined. More NFL licensed jerseys, coffee mugs, linens and baby rattles are tossed in the back of closets in New York then in all the closets west of the Mississippi. In New York football, dare I say Football, is King.
Pro Football is the capo di tuti capi of Football. The NFL is the gold standard for Football excellence. In New York we have not one, not two, but three professional Football teams playing on any given NFL Sunday. In New York more people enjoy Pro Football than in the rest of the world. It takes a whole region to support the Patriots. The Denver Bronco‘s are the only team for 600 miles. You can‘t get on the subway and not meet a New York Jet.
“The Greatest Game Ever Played” went down in Yankee Stadium, New York City, New York. That game made the NFL. New York built the National Football League. The Giants beat the Colts. Mark Gastineau invented the sack dance. No Football game is played today without sack dances. Marv Levy goes to every Super Bowl. They give him tickets. Frank Gifford invented the forward pass, and that landed him Kathy Lee. Va Va Voom.
College Football is all about New York. Rutgers plays underneath the Empire State Building. Just ask ESPN. Ever hear of the Army-Navy game? That goes down in West Point, New York. The Army-Navy game is what built College Football. And without the Army-Navy there is no America. All thanks to New York.
And we play just as much High School Football as any place else in the grand old U.S. of A. It is just not the only thing going on Friday night, but hey, when was the last time Billy Joel played the Texarkana Garden?
In summation, New York is Number 1 in Football. Rutgers is in New York. Mark Gastineau will defeat Emmitt Smith on Dancing with the Stars, and you can’t beat NY Football. Unless you play the Bills in the Super Bowl, then you have a pretty good shot.
Grazanimal@columnist.com

Week 9 2006

2006-11-03T19:38:00.000-08:00

Number 9

By The 52X

Week nine is here and it is now or never for 3 and 5 suckers like me. Here is some hot info for the Fantasy Football owner with his ear to the ground. Reggie Bush will explode and Mike Vick is likely to be out for the season. Why? Because I just traded Bush for Vick. That’s why.

I am betting that history is no indicator of future performance. I think my crap team can turn it around. That is why I am still trying to win this season and that is why I traded away RB depth for a red-hot QB right now. Now is the time to spend any roster depth you have for guys that can help you this week. If you are on the outside looking in the Playoffs start today.

Let’s look at some guys you should target to turn it around or get over the hump:

Brian Westbrook has been unreal this season for the Eagles. His injury history and the fact that he is on a bye week 9 could combine to make Westbrook owners skittish on keeping him and that means that you could add him to your line-up with the right package. Westbrook’s schedule is sweet with the Deadskins twice, Tennessee and no tackling Indy coming up. This trade will take a lot of sweet talking, but the payoff could be a playoff berth.

If you need QB help like I did then Trent Green is a big wild card. He has been out since the middle of the first game, but he was a highly regarded passer on draft day. His coach has assured him that he will start. He has LJ keeping teams in 8 and 9 man boxes. This guy is on the waiver wire in many leagues. If you have been looking at crap QB totals then starting week 10 Green could be your answer.

Hines Ward is a notorious slow starter and the Steelers have fallen out of the sky this season. That means that he could be had at this time. Hines is a solid vet and the Steelers are a better team then they have shown so far this season. His numbers should improve with New Orleans and Cleveland coming up, but with the Broncos this week Ward owners might be convinced to part ways with the smiling wideout.

This week Football Fans get a marquee match-up to seek their teeth into. The Colts, who are in the middle of their early season unbeatable streak, face their arch nemesis when they travel to Foxboro, home of the 6 and 1 Patriots. The game will be a showcase of this generation’s finest Quarterbacks as Brady and Peyton face off. There is a big difference this year. The secret weapon that New England used to such stunning effect for 3 Super Bowl wins is now calling Indy home. That’s right, Adam Vinatieri is over his early season injury bug and kicking for the Colts. The Pats replaced him with a rookie, Steve Goskowski, and he has done a good job. But does he have the ice water circulatory system that Vinatieri exhibited so many times? More importantly can Adam rub some of those steel nerves off on Peyton? If this game was in 5 or 6 weeks with New England looking to put away another division championship then I would have to reconsider. This Sunday I see Peyton keeping it close enough to let Adam get some payback on the cheapskate Pats.

If you are a betting man then Week 9 offers a rare treat. 2 and 5 Pitt greets 5 and 2 Denver and Denver is getting the points. This game is sure to be a good one. The reigning reeling champs face the Broncos that they put away back in January. It has been a long 10 months for the Steelers and specifically Big Ben Rothlisberger. If this guy walked in front of a train this week I would believe it. Of course he would be up and about in 3 or 2 days. It is not everyday that a 5 and 2 team is an underdog, forget about facing a 2 and 5 club. The bookies are begging you to take the favorite. Take them up on it.

The time is now to sell the farm and put all your chips in the pot. If you need wins then any players not in your starting line-up are expendable. Make a savvy trade and you could be sitting pretty, but there is no use praying for better returns from the guys that have you scrambling as the trading deadline approaches.

Write the Grazianimal at grazianimal@columnist.com and tell him what ya think.

Time to Turn Around!

2006-10-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

Week #7:
Time to Push

The Grazianimal

Let’s talk football. Don your gasmasks. No sarin attacks are gonna stop this crowd from Sunday. Fantasy Football has been cooking along and I for one am sitting at 2 and 4 and expecting my usual late season push to put me over the top. This week is the turn in most leagues. Everybody squeezzzz!

Running Backs are what FF is all about, unless your wide receivers explode. This season has seen few major RB injuries so far, unless you count Shaun Alexander (but he was stinking it up). That means no free agent saviors yet. That also means that the guys that got drafted need to produce. Clinton Portis needs to produce. He started the season as the biggest question mark at the top of the draft. By now those injury issues are history, but the Redskins stinking up the field has become a front and center problem. Portis has yet to bust that mythical 100 yard plateau. He is spouting in the press about needing the team to put it on those shoulders of his. Portis owners better hope. 14 attempts in a game are not what a #1 RB is all about. That is Reggie Bush territory. With a crap Colt run D and the Skins in desperate need of a win, a ball control game plan is what’s needed to save the Washington season and put Portis owners in the pink.

LaMont Jordan is another guy that went first round way back when. He makes Portis look consistent with his horrible output so far this season. His team is the pits with their captain openly campaigning to be sent out of town and last week’s late game fumble making the highlight rounds. The good news is that the Raiders get perennial patsy Arizona this week. The bad news is that the Cards looked downright dangerous last week on Monday night against the toast of the league Bears. The Card D allowed none of those magnificent plays that Chi-Town used to shock those Monday insomniacs, allowing 168 total yards. Dennis Green might lose his job if the Cards let down in this game. LaMont is also nursing a bruised back. If you have another option this is the week to sit Jordan.

The Giants are a soap opera this season and week #7 has their #1 guy calling it quits in the media. The super savvy Tiki said all he wants to do is split this crowd and start learning at the foot of Boomer, Esiason or Berman will do. This could be a motivating ploy by the team leader to get his team to concentrate. I figure with most of the season ahead of him, Tiki might want to keep those yearnings to himself. Bill Parcells has got to be stressing to the Cowboys that Barber wants none of them. Both these teams need this game to keep the heat on the Eagles. The question is will it matter. Tiki Barber is the best back in FF right now. He might have a bad game on the road on Monday against a division opponent and still put up big numbers. He starts on every team in Fantasyland, just don’t look for 185 yards out of Barber this week.

All good owners play the match-ups. This week has the Lions traveling to the Swamp to play those better then expected Jets. This is a game where Fantasy points could be had. No way the defenses dominate in this game. Barlow and Washington on the Jets are good options if your roster has anything but two stud RB’s ahead of them. Also the Lions can’t stop the pass so Jet receiving options look good this week. Coles and Cotchery are probably owned, but TE Baker is out there in ¾ of leagues and is as good a spot start TE are you will find this week. Roy Williams is a stud, but Az-Zahir Hakim is owned by almost no one and will see as many balls as Mike Furrey. He is a nice flyer.

Last week I sat Jake Delhomme and used a guy with a better match up. I got burned. Still in this game looking for the downhill path will pay dividends over a season. Bad teams give up more yards and points. When your guys play bad teams then the odds move in your favor. Play Green Bay players in Miami and be careful of Mike Vick against Pittsburgh. It is not brain surgery. Play Panthers, don’t touch the Texans, unless you have Andre Johnson. See, piece of cake!

Brawlin' an' Rapin' YeeHaw!

2006-10-17T13:52:00.000-07:00

T.O. and All Things Miami
By Bob “Grazianimal 52X” Graziano

So this football weekend saw 3 TD’s out of our favorite wide mouth and well over 3 felony assaults out of our most favorite work release program in Miami. Juan Uribe apparently shot a couple of dudes in the D.R., and Koren Robinson pleaded not guilty in this week’s NFL/DUI/DWI showcase. What this all means is that it is time again for sportswriters to pontificate on the State of Union or at least the state of Larry Coker’s job. Oh, I almost forgot, Fox Sports fired Lamar Thomas, Miami Alum, because during the brawl he said, among other things, that he wanted to take the elevator to the field and hop on in.
What does all this lunacy mean? On the one hand T.O. gets rewarded with playing time and redzone looks no matter what bizarre behavior he lets loose with and on the other Larry Coker can’t lose his job even though his football games look like extra scenes from Braveheart. Maybe that is on the same hand. This seeming Jock Crime Wave does not just include the big programs and guys we know by their initials. Just in today’s headlines two Albany Great Danes were facing rape charges. Jesus, I thought jocks got the girls willingly. They must have really wanted to go to Duke.
I don’t need to continue with the roll call. Anyone mildly interested in sports is aware that police blotter and the sports page are often one and the same. Indiana b-ballers, retired Dallas cowboys, anybody that calls their school “The U”. Didn’t they teach them the name of the place? I am no prude, or homebody. I understand that these guys lead high profile lives with any number of hangers-on and more paper then lotto winners. As they say, Feces Occurs, but shootings, rapes and drug arrests have become an all to common facet of the sports landscape.
We have to do better by our kids. Jocks are the most privileged of the lot, and the better they are the longer that we insulate them from the trials of everyday life. That may be why so often they end up on trial. These young men in Miami need to face some kind of real consequence. A week off in that party town is a favor not a punishment. They went apeshit wild for the second time this season. Show some of these dudes the door. Oh wait, then we have to deal with them. Never mind.
On second thought let these animals run wild, baby! I mean, I call myself the Grazianimal, don’t I? Is anybody really upset when the Hurricanes go nuts? The school doesn’t care. The suspensions handed down seemed the lightest imaginable. The University of Miami would not forgo one penny of revenue to show their students that Lunacy and Mass Rioting were not acceptable, so why should I feel any guilt for enjoying the same madness. If Duke students don’t have any shame asking that dancers incorporate broomsticks into their act then why do I feel bad about it? I could not get into Duke with a .38. If I tried the student body would probably return fire.

The Kicking Tee #2

2006-10-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

The Kicking Tee #2

By Bob Graziano

Week 5 is upon us and now all owners should have a good idea about their own teams and their league as a whole. Should have picked another RB, huh? Still the Championship in every league should be very much in the air at this point. The Moves are There to be Made!

Randy Moss is just one highly drafted WR that is underperforming all over the football field this season. Joe Horn is looking old and slow for a Saint team making a youth movement. Joey Galloway followed a nice performance by catching one ball (it was for a TD) and losing his QB. All these guys might have been looked at as #1’s on draft day. A dude in my league passed on Anquan for Randy, whoops. If you need a player at WR look to the always humming Green Bay attack for Greg Jennings who has impressed as a rookie and developed a nice relationship with Brett Farve. And Koren Robinson does not have to go to jail ‘till May! With Donald Driver nursing bruised ribs these dudes might be see a lot of pigskin in the next few weeks. Also Arnaz Battle and Travis Taylor are guys that might need a team and look to see nice matchups week 5.

At QB some guys are rollin’ and some guys are getting rolled. Chad Pennington has looked like his old self this season. Culpepper has looked like he is standing in mud. If you need a QB because you bet on Daunte’ look to the Great White North for Brad Johnson. He has a nice opponent and he has shown since replacing Mr. Culpepper that he can throw TD’s and win games at home against mediocre teams. Damon Huard looked impressive last week, but be careful. The Chiefs are on the road and they have always been a team that likes home cooking. Also look to replace Mark Brunell this week. He is at the Meadowlands where he lost 36 nothing last year. The Skins could win a game a lot of ways that don’t compute to big QB numbers or they could take another whooping.

Running Back is the place where everybody could use a player, if not for your line-up then as trade bait. As previewed in this column Correll Buckhalter’s stock is rising now that Westbrook is missing time in Philly. Musa Smith has been a disappointment so far in Baltimore, but he is still young and since Jamal Lewis is disappointing as well, Smith might see carries and 3rd down passes in the weeks to come. He should be more available then his teammate Mike Anderson. The Jet situation at the start of the season looked like a Merry-Go-Round. Well the Go-Round tossed off Cedric Houston last week so Kevin Barlow (4 TD’s) and Leon Washington should see tries this week in Jacksonville. Ron Dayne is a guy that has a number one job in Houston and could be had in some leagues for free. You probably could do worse if you have to sub for a guy on a bye week.
Need a Defense, Vikings. Need a TE, Bubba Franks. Need a Kicker, Vinny Boom Batts should be back this week. Need somebody to talk to: grazianimal@columnist.com

The Kicking Tee

2006-09-16T18:55:00.000-07:00

The Grazianimal Starts The Season on the PUP List!!

A cold and an absurd work schedule conspired to put the 52X on the shelf week 1. I had to watch the Manning Bowl through binoculars from my crash pad in Ridgewood. Looks like Eli needs some Cajun seasonin’!
Week 1 in Fantasy is always a blast as all the boys that everybody eyeballed for months and snagged in drafts finally play some ball that counts. Many questions that bedeviled owners across the land get answered in Week 1 and some new ones rear their ugly head. Lets try to get some figurin’ done.
T.O. sat in training camp and seemingly twisted the nose of his new owner and coach with a B.S. leg cramp and no apparent work ethic. At this point it is pretty clear that the guy is gonna do what the guy is gonna do. What he wants to do is play ball and he did that with no ill effects from last season or the training camp drama making an appearance. 6 balls for 80 and a TD was not the best line of the week, but the way he pulled down the TD pass and Bledsoe’s desire to use his new weapon instead of snub him all bode well for the season. Don’t be surprised if T.O. is the best WR in fantasyland this year. Expect a huge game in his home opener against division opponent Washington.
The Redskins have big questions of their own. Clinton Portis had a shoulder injury that sat him for all most all of the pre-season. He was supposed to sit for the first game at least. Then he took the field and recorded 39 yards and a TD with 2 catches to boot. Now he is listed as doubtful with an aching shoulder, the injury that started it all. People that ignored the injury and expected the Portis of last year can’t be happy with 39 yards, touchdown or no. People that took him in the second or third rounds looking for a steal can not be happy that his shoulder hurts after limited use in one game. Or Gibbs could be lying through his teeth. If you have other options then sit him until he performs like a healed man or, as Coach Gibbs stated, PRAY.
The Ultimate Weapon, Reggie Bush, was another question mark heading into the first game of his career. The Texans passed on him, raising eyebrows back in April. The Saints have a vet back ahead of him and alot invested in him and that could have meant a cautious start to Bush’s career in Black and Gold. So what did week one show? The Texans are idiots. Take that one to the bank. And the Saints are gonna use All-World all the time. 14 runs for 61 yards and 8 catches for 58 more and he returned kicks. He will find the end zone soon enough and at this point all indications are that he will be the total package for years to come. Week 2 at Green Bay in the past would have meant a tough time for the Saints, but with Farve turning over the ball in pure 2005 form, Drew Brees at QB instead of Crappy Brooks, and a whole city to inspire, watch the Saints and The Straw That Stirs the Drink explode on the not yet frozen tundra.
Beware early returns! Dewey did not defeat Truman and the Eagles are gonna stink this year. The story was all clear in post T.O. Eagleland after they spanked the Texans. But the Texans passed on Mr. Electric and thought Dominick Davis would carry the load. DD is gonna miss the season. Need any more idea what kind of talent evaluators work in Houston. The Eagles face a different kind of opponent with the G-men coming to town. Westbrook is already missing practice with a swelled knee. McNabb will be lucky to play in 16 games this year. Is Donte Stallworth going to be all league week in and week out? Against the NFC East? The Eagles will be lucky to see 8 and 8.
So things are starting to percolate. Don’t overreact to an early loss. Fantasy rewards a steady hand. See if the guy in your league will move Owens for a #2 RB. And write the Grazianimal@columnist.com

Free Agent News

2006-09-09T07:49:00.000-07:00

A Few Sale Items By Bob The 52X

So you are looking over that roster and already think that a few free agents could do you better then that 14th rounder you spit out with half a chicken wing packed into the gullet. These dudes might be sitting on the wire, or could be tacked on to a multi-player trade. Face facts, Martz is gonna have Kitna throw til’ he needs Tommy John.
Jon Kitna: A free agent in most leagues, who has the potential to put up 300yd games and multiple TD’s more than a couple of times this season. Mike Martz + Offense = Many pass attempts and a lot less rushing. In 2004 when Martz had the RB combo of Faulk and Steven Jackson, the Rams rushed almost 200 attempts less than passed. With Kevin Jones unable to break defensive lines, the Lions usually playing from behind, and Martz doing the mad scientist/ super genius rain dance in the press box, Kitna may be throwing more than Bulger ever did. Pick him up now and throw him in when the match-up is right. You might be surprised when Kitna’s numbers rival other elite QB’s on some Sundays.
Correll Buckhalter: I know, I know this guy can’t stretch before a game without going on IR. Buckhalter was on the bubble at the start of preseason, and last week old man Stephen Davis had a physical with the team, looking for Correll’s check. That was last week though. Davis signed with the Rams. After a strong preseason game, Buckhalter is not only staying on the RB depth chart but he has risen quickly to be the main man behind Westbrook. That makes him a very attractive sleeper. Forget Reno Mahe and Moats, if Correll can somehow stay healthy, he will be the man when, not if, Westbrook goes down.
Peerless Price: Though his pockets grew bigger going to Atlanta, his status as a WR didn’t. Don’t blame Peerless though, Vick has shown he could only hit the side of the barn called Alge Crumpler. No other receiver on Atlanta will even smell 1000 yards until Shaub is named starter. Price’s last year in Buffalo opposite Eric Moulds, Peerless went over 1200 yards with 9 TD’s. Now reborn the #2 WR again, opposite a relatively unproven but very fast WR in Lee Evans, and feeling more refreshed by not being in Atlanta’s WR graveyard lead by Vick, Peerless may be a steal. I would bet that Price will have better numbers at the end of the year than any Atlanta WR. Funny how in most drafts I have seen, at least 2 Atlanta WR’s are drafted before him.
Ben Watson: This may not be a deep sleeper, but Watson is ranked 6th TE or worse on most boards this year. Does anyone realize how pathetic the Patriots WR core is this year? I can’t believe Troy Brown is still playing, and even if Deion Branch comes back, Reche Caldwell on the other side isn’t scaring anyone. Brady has over 3600+ yards passing every year and he can’t pass the ball to himself. Take Watson when the TE’s start to come off the board and you’ll be more than pleased with a guy who will possibly be top 3 this year. Even more Kudos if Deion really plays hardball with Belichick, and the Kraft family and gets himself shipped out of town.

Preseason Draft Strategy

2006-08-27T18:59:00.000-07:00

Draft Day Strategy by Bob Graziano
So Christmas has come early and today you get to pick the studs that will bring you all the kudos. What are the theories that will put you in the winners circle? Try these on for size.

#1 Beware Studs on Duds.

This is the Curtis Martin Rule. Curtis was the league leading rusher going into last season. The Jets Stunk! Mr. Martin put up some 900 fewer yards. Curtis was the biggest bust not named Culpepper in all Fantasy Land. This year I think Randy Moss has a lot of the same issues. He is a great talent. His team is the Pits! His QB is the Pits! Aaron Brooks is a cast off from the Saints, of all teams. The Raiders will lose more then win this year so TD’s will be at a premium. He will probably go too soon based on talent and not on a clear idea of potential output.

#2 Touchdowns Win Football Games, Dude!!!!!!

The Ruben Droughns Rule. 1200 Yards and as much job security you can find. A Stud RB by any measure. What is the issue? Paydirt. Only 2 TD’s last year. Why? The Browns scored fewer points then any other team in football. If Rube is a Giant or a Pat then he goes in the first round. Look to snatch him in the third, but don’t cry if you miss him. Brandon Jacobs with the goalline job in NY could see the ball a quarter of the time Droughns does and quadruple his TD total.

#3 Be Sure to Insure

The Fred Taylor Rule. Football is a game of attrition. Players will miss time. You will not avoid the injury bug. The best way to make the medicine go down is to plan for adversity. Nothing sucks worse then watching your dude tell the press he needs a few weeks and then losing out on his replacement over waivers or auction free agency. Don’t over do it, but if you have a guy like Portis with front and center injury issues or anyone nicknamed “Fragile”, spend those late round picks on back-ups.

#4 Easy on The Vino Big Boy!!

My draft resembles a bacchanal more then a Physics class. I am sure that many of you guys in Fantasy Land will enjoy your drafts in similar fashion. Don’t get too whacked. The rest of you season could ride on pick 10 or 11 or 12. If you are in the lavatory kissing the porcelain mistress than mistakes will have already been made. Dial it back a notch. A good draft means 4 months of celebration.

That’s it. Follow the rules, but be sure to break them as well. In baseball it is called being effectively wild. Draft, Drink, Dominate.

Christ!

2006-05-23T19:44:00.000-07:00

Dear God, Will the Silliness Ever End?

By Bob 52X

I write today consumed with sadness. I was watching the Met game on SNY today when I heard that construction had begun on the madness that is the new Shea. It seems that all reason has left New York. We have begun to build a billion dollar ego trip for a billionaire, a colossus for a tiny man. We again, like years ago at 33rd and 7th avenue, destroy our history for the short money and a little short lived fame.

The home of the Mets, Shea Stadium, has been the stage for the greatest game in World Series history, both our championships, and countless good times for the people of all New York. It is a beautiful field where the orange and blue of New York has shone bright for decades. It is the place of Mookie and Darryl and Donn and Seaver. Where Svoboda dove with all his length and Big Mike swung for the fences.

Remember Mike Piazza? The Mets where an afterthought because Met ownership had done such a wonderful job running things. Mike wanted out of LA and into Shea. Remember how it took a public outcry by Met fans and New Yorkers of all stripes to get the big slugger here. I remember. The man that single handedly drove the Mets back to relevance had to be forced down ownership’s throat. Then our fearless leaders surrounded Big Mike with the likes of Robin Ventura and Todd Zeile so we could watch the greatest hitting catcher of all time swing at outside sliders. These are the men that want to destroy Shea.

Why must Shea go? So we can watch our games in another cookie cutter bandbox the likes of which have spread across the Major Leagues like a bad rash. This place will be the anti-Shea, smaller, ugly and priced for the rich. The powers that be want to take away 11,000 seats a game! They certainly will not do without the money those seats generate so get ready for a nice rise in ticket prices to greet us Met fans at the gate of this new monstrosity. That is sure what New Yorkers need, a nice cost of living increase!

Shea has become the antique ballpark that we have been told is what this new place is all about. Shea is one of the only remaining parks that were part of an entire architectural era in baseball. An era where the owners thought that they could sell more tickets and grow the game. These days that era of optimism is out of vogue in the owners boxes so here come the wrecking balls. What do we get in the place of that time of optimistic construction? Smaller parks, expensive seats, and drinks, and food, and three tier pricing and having to buy tickets to 5 games to get a seat at the game you want to go see. The contempt knows no bounds.

In God’s name why would we ever build a shrine to a team that abandoned New York? This city does not look to the past, we write the future. The Dodgers split 50 years ago and the door could not have hit them in the ass fast enough. They were a team that gloried in the shadow of the Yankees, hardly ever competing on the big stage. They ran across the continent as fast as their fleeing feet could carry them. Now we look to venerate cowardice. For Shame!

If one rich landlord didn’t sit in grade school wishing he was as cool as Sandy Koufax, would we even have to suffer this indignity? Our team is going to play in a shrine to another team! Do we wear the road uniforms when the Bums come to town?

This can not come to pass. This city, The City, must stand tall in the face of greedy opportunism. Fight this travesty with all your strength and all the wind in your lungs. Stand Now!

Confrence Finals

2006-01-20T05:39:00.000-08:00

Ohh Oh 0!

By Bob Graziano

Championship Week

The Championship games are upon us and we’ve got some interesting match-ups in store. As all you regular readers know I was perfect with my picks last week, 0 and 4! Not easy to do and a speed bump in what has been a superior season of prognostication. The Steelers showed that Boy Peyton still needs to grow up. The Cats of the Carolinas rode Super Steve to another big road victory. Denver snuffed the Dynasty and Seattle won without Alexander the Great in the Great Wet North. I was gonna pick all those guys I swear.

Before we discuss the big games, a little coaching news. The Jets promoted the ball boy to King of the Visiting Locker Room at Giants Stadium this week. Big news for the #4 draft pick and all the poor souls that root for the green and white. Coach Mangini gets to learn the ropes from the ground up because the Jets are a train wreck of a franchise. No QB, an injured and aging RB, a decimated Offensive line, and one all-pro linebacker. That is all Little E gets along with the big raise. Let’s hope he paid attention to Big Bill when he stood at his side. The Jets will need patience as things will get worse before they get better. Jet fans have the patience of Job.

The Lions fired Mariucci and hired Marinelli. I thought they were going in a different direction. Sounds like an Eye-talian ta me! Marinelli has been coaching the Tampa D to the top of the NFL. Now let’s see if he can motivate all those wide receivers and two dumb QB’s.

I don’t know about you guys but I have been hearing about Steve Smith all season. The Bears looked like they had played their season with the TV off. Steve ran around Chicago like Belushi on a coke binge. The Chi-town coverage was a joke and Speedy made them pay. The Seahawks had better account for #89.

The Steelers shocked the world with a big-time game plan that had the Colts guessing from the word go. Peyton was feeling the pressure before he even took the field and started shaking like a leaf under the Steeler onslaught. Then the ref’s put on a show with the replay. I can’t rant anymore about stupid replay. And it all ended with another example of the Cardinal Rule of Playoff Football. Don’t bet on that kicker to save your ass.

The Broncs put an end to the Belichek reign. Although If the refs had gotten the Ben Watson play right we might be discussing how Brady is unbeatable. But any way you look at it Denver hosts the Steelers this Sunday. Jake Plummer threw only 7 picks in the regular season and one last week to put the hurt on his biggest bugaboo. The Denver attack has the finest running game left standing now that SA is dizzy and disappearing for the big games. The Broncos will be at home and a mile high, and I don’t mean Snoop Dogg is visiting on the sidelines. The Steelers march in with the second best ground attack and a passing attack that just put the kibosh on the Colts. I really think that Big Ben is going to be on the first ballot when he finally hangs it up. Bill Cowher really showed me something by outthinking Tony Dungy last week. Shanahan has the rings. This game will be one for the ages.

I think Denver is the better team. Plummer is the most mobile QB playing this week and that kind of mobility can make your defenders look foolish. Anderson, Bell and Dayne in Shanahan’s system will pile up the tough clock-chewing yards coaches love. The Denver D plays at home and Champ won’t quit on the 5 yard line this week. All good reasons for a Big D victory. Here’s the But. Big Ben does not like to lose. Jerome Bettis’ happy feet have been making defenders miss for twenty years and I think he wants a ring. Hines Ward is the best receiver in the game. The Pitt D and Cowher will make Plummer real mobile. I have the Steelers in an upset on the road.

I didn’t think Seattle would win with Shaun, so winning without him was surprising. I have been impressed with their defense all season. Hassleback is a strong solid veteran QB with a nice set of receivers to throw to. In fact, after Mr. Smith, he has the second, third and fourth best options in the game in the persons of Jackson, Engram and Joey J. The question mark at running back is a big deficit for the Hawks, but Carolina is on third string Nick Goings so they will be hard pressed to exploit that advantage. In Goings defense he was real good late last year when pressed into the starting role. Carolina has John Fox on the sidelines, a monster defensive line, and the best player in football right now. It is easy to say that Seattle will just double #89, but nobody can stop this guy right now and when he breaks free Delhomme puts it up with precision. Delhomme also knows what it takes to win the Conference and you can’t put a value on a crazy man that wants to win the ring that he missed by the slimmest of margins. We have one good Sunday worth of football ahead of us. Just in time for the two week layoff and notoriously one-sided Super Bowl.

This game will devolve into a shootout. Neither team has a great option at running back so expect the passes to fly. In that situation I am going to go with the best passer quarterback combo. Steve Smith will make the difference in this game. I don’t see another 200 yards, but 120 will do it. Goings will surprise everybody with a week to prepare for the starting role. SA not only has a concussion, but he has never shown he can do it in the playoffs. I think the Cat D gets the slightest edge. Another good game with the winning team probably the one with a couple of big turnover plays.

The good news is that I can’t lose 4 games this week. The bad news is that I just picked two road dogs. Tell me how you lost the rent @ grazianimal@columnist.com

The Playoffs Roll!

2006-01-13T12:37:00.000-08:00

Football Fires Everybody or Week 19

By Bob Graziano

Before we discuss this week’s games, I want to bring up the coaching carousel that has spun with abandon in the last two weeks. The number of dismissed Heads of Pigskin Playcalling is at nine and counting. Some guys had it coming (Norv “please just give me a coordinator’s job” Turner) and others ran screaming from their offices (Jim “taxi!” Haslett). In other places guy got the ax in spite of success. Yeah I am talking about Mike Tice.

All this guy did was turn around a sunken ship. His all-pro quarterback was indicted this year. Indicted! It is also no coincidence that the turnaround started as soon as they carted said all-pro off the field with a severely twisted hambone. Culpepper is without any doubt the capo of that crew. And he had half the team, mired in the middle of that early season butt whooping streak, out on Lake Minnetonka partying like it was the off season. As soon as Dulpepper got ushered out of the picture the team started to play ball. So they toss the guy who engineered the whole thing? Ziggy, wake up Dude! Brad Childress is gonna do better?

The Jets got lucky with Herm Edwards. Not only was he smart enough to get them to the playoffs in 3 of his 5 seasons, but he was smart enough to run for the hills after this 4 and 12 train wreck. The Jets lost the whole team to injury this season including the here-for–to indestructible Curtis Martin. His franchise QB has a busted wing. This is a problem in a quarterback. The only good news is their draft pick, but the only guy that ever drafted well for the Jets is named Bill and works for the Cowboys. Time to split like a banana baby! The Jets should be thrilled with compensation for a guy with a lifetime losing record. Now if the Jets can lure a coach that doesn’t stink and can evaluate talent…

The football this week will be divine. The pretenders have been shown the door and the ballers are gonna throw down for our viewing enjoyment. I was one ruptured knee joint away from a perfect week. My chances for omnipotence all but destroyed along with Carson Palmer’s left leg. ‘Dems da brakes. This week we got Peyton and Alexander the Great to handicap, along with Tom Terrific and that superior Bears defense.

The first game this week, Saturday afternoon, has those streaking Skins visiting the Stout Seahawks of Paul Bunyan land. Another great coaching match-up as Gibbs faces Holmgren. All indicators point to the Hawks, except the Washington Natives already beat those unbeatable Birds this season. A team that wins with a hundred twenty yards on offense can beat anybody. Alexander has been outstanding this season by any measure. His postseason record has been spotty at best. Two games, 85 yards, but in one game his 45 yards included three TD’s. I am sure the Seattle braintrust would sign off right now for the 45 and 3 touches. The Red Machine won’t give up three on the ground. I think they can engineer this upset. The Seattle Dee is underrated but the Skins just had Tampa to deal with so any team will be a relief. Portis can, if he is healthy, go shot for shot with the Green Gorilla. I don’t see them having the worst offensive output in history two weeks in a row. And the Skin D will be the better one on the field. The Gibbs parade keeps rollin’.

The Pats are going to Mile High for an AFC rumble in the Saturday night game. The Brady Boys are the chic pick, but Denver has been super all year. Big time coaching match-up as Obi-Wan faces off against “I’ll turn your Mama into a 1000 yard rusher” Shanahan. I can see The Jedi master winning this one with a mind trick easy. Plummer had a real good season finally putting a stop to his habit of playing for the other team every once in a quarter. Brady is so good it is unreal. Last week 3 td’s no picks and we’ll see ya later Jacksonville. The guy is 28 and already on the short list for greatest ever. I can’t pick against him. My bet is another Vinatieri dagger in the heart of all the Mountain Boys.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Kick it off with a Colts win as the Steelers are gonna lose this one, unless they snap Peyton’s twigs.

This Just In… Mike Mularkey has quit on Buffalo. I can’t even write an article without a coaching change this season. Couldn’t they see that Mike was full of Mularkey?

The Cats take the plane to Soldier Field and face a keyed up Bear team in the playoff for the first time in recent memory. Well I guess they showed up in 2001 for a quick exit. The Panthers dismantled the G-men on the road last week causing much grumbling in Giant circles. I don’t understand how anybody thinks a team that is handing out linebacker numbers in the parking lot before the game can make noise on the field. Defense is important. And the Bears have it in spades. They were the #2 Dee this season and I think the Bucs would trade the crown to be playing this week. Steve Smith is freakin’ awesome. The Bears will have their hands full. DeShaun Foster ran like the wind last week and there is no way he matches that output against this team. The Bear O has taken its lumps all year but the kid kept the ship afloat and King Rex has the confidence of his team. The Cats have Delhomme and he has that winning gene that all QB’s would give a finger for. The Panthers always have that gunslinger’s chance. This game has the smallest spread with the visitors getting a point or 1 and a ½. Tom Jones has run for the tough yards all season. He had a career changing season as the go-to guy in Chi-town. It will be 30 degrees colder then last week in the swamp. Lovie will have the team prepared. I got the Monsters.

This week The Redskins raid Fort Hawk, The Donkeys watch the season go all red, white and blue, The Colts start a big run and the Bears represent in the 2nd city.

Communicate with the Oracle @ grazianimal@columnist.com

Playoffs Baby!!

2006-01-05T21:18:00.000-08:00

Playoff Football Is HERE!

Week 18

By Bob Graziano

The pretenders are dismissed and the contenders are poised to battle for the gridiron crown. After a fantastic fantasy season we can all enjoy the big boy rumble that is about to unfold. Will it be the season of the Peyton or will Shaun stampede the field? Read on young gamblers, the Grazianimal will reveal all.

The first week of playoff games have essentially all the longshots for the Lombardi trophy. The real good regular season teams have this week off. That doesn’t mean the eventual winner is not before us. Teams have gotten to the Promised Land from the wildcard positions before, and this season will be wild with a reigning champion just begging to be put out to pasture after a super run.

The first game has the Redskins traveling to Tampa Bay on Saturday afternoon to get this party started right. The Redskins have a chance to erase the week 10 1-point loss from the memory banks. That game was marred by really questionable officiating. In that way it was like damn near every other game this season. The Skins are the hottest team in the playoffs rolling off five in a row to end the regular season. The Bucs had a damn good run losing their starting QB only to have Chris Simms step right in and take the team to 11 and 5 and a division title. Santana Moss might have had the most surprising season of anybody at wide receiver, but he only beats out Joey Galloway by a nose. Caddy-Lac was the offensive rookie of the year. Clinton Portis was the clown prince of the league this season and had a 1500 yard year to boot. Gibbs faces off against Gruden, this game is gonna be awesome! The Skins are gonna win because Simms was a 30 yard fingertip and a blown call away from losing the first one. The Redskins were in the middle of a midseason swoon that they have put squarely in the rearview mirror. SM is as dangerous as any threat in the league and that means more room for the better back on the field. Brunell is back on his feet and I’ll take his experience over Simms’ youth. The Washington defense is playing better after a slow start. The Buc D’ is the best in the league, so it will be close.

Game 2 on Saturday night has the Jags visiting Super Tom and his red, white, and blue wrecking crew. I am going to make this one real simple. There is no way that both road teams win on the first day of the playoffs. Pats pound Lord Byron and New England has at least one more game of dynasty.

Sunday has the Giants hosting the Panthers in the early game. The Giants won the division so Eli and the boys can hold their heads high no matter how hard to please the New York fans are. Since the Eagles fired T.O., Steve Smith is inarguably the best WR right now on the pitch. This might be the best starting four defensive ends in the playoffs. Tiki Barber just had back to back 200 yard games and has simply turned himself into a top 5 player in the game. Jake Delhomme has a Super Bowl appearance on his resume and I think he is licking his lips at the thought of attacking the extremely depleted G-man secondary. This game will be back and forth, but in the end I think that the Cats have a better chance of stopping Tiki then the Giants do of even sniffing Little Steven. The future’s bright in the land of blue but the weekend will be a miserable one for a team that has overachieved this season.

The last game of this wild card weekend has the Steelers visiting Cincy in an AFC south grudge match. How is this for tight: Both teams went 11 and 5, they were one and one against each other this year, and they both won on the other team’s field. Carson Palmer came of age this year as an NFL QB. His team is stocked with superstar wideouts and a running back that had 1458 yards, good enough for 7th in the league. The Steelers use the running back committee of Staley, Parker, and Bettis and it is their team that is considered the ground threat. Ben Roethlisberger has as good a start to a career as anyone since a guy named Dan started to sling pigskin in Sun Town. Hines Ward has been a big part of that start. He is as good of a receiver as any and just passed Lynn Swann on the TD chart for the Steelers. In the end Hines will be grinning in Canton, but will he be smiling on Sunday night? I usually prefer experience over youth and this game is a test case for that theory. The line has the Yellow and Black as a road favorite by 3 and a half. This is the toughest pick of the week. The consensus all around the land is Pittsburg so I have the tigers in an upset at home. I’ll take Rudi, Carson, Chad and T.J. can’t spell his name over the Can’t Get Up the Stairs on Monday Steelers.

Here is the future. Redskins piss off papa Simms, The Brady Bunch dominance continues, Cat Scratch Fever, and The Bengals win one for the Grazianimal.

e-mail Bob and tell him how awesome he is @ grazianimal@columnist.com.

Week 17

2005-12-30T21:47:00.000-08:00

The End of the Beginning

By Bob Graziano

Last week the Grazianimal was 3 and 1 again. Mere mortal would be thrilled with another winning week but the Big City Cycho was pissed. Why? Cause Mora the Junior cost me a perfect week. How do these clowns (NFL Head Coaches) get into these cherry jobs and not know their ass from their elbow? Mora goes for a tie?!? I had the damn Falcons!

Alright, Mora the Lesser had the most incompetent coach in the history of the league for a pop, so he was not getting the best instruction. But this guy does not know he needs to know the ramifications of the game he is playing until the play clock is ticking?!? ?!?!?!? How bout that? I used to work out all the playoff possibilities when I was twelve. My fault for picking him.

If you won your league last week then great for you. How ‘bout a loan? If you didn’t, like me, and you are back in the real world, well, the real world sucks, unless you are Shaun Alexander. He should be #1 in any draft. LT showed injury issues in the Fantasy crunch and LJ is SA in his dreams. If ya snag Tiki with #4 or #5 ya should be real happy late next year too.

All right, let’s get down to the knitty gritty. Two games on New Years Eve. Everybody and their mama is picking the Chargers over the Bucking Broncs ‘cause Denver already announced that they would not be making the trip. There is not such a consensus with the other game. The Giants need a win for the division and a post season home game. The Raiders need a win because they stink. Randy Moss had such a bad season you would think he was still a Viking. LaMont J is gonna miss this contest with a nagging big toe. The Giants have no defensive backfield, and they are auditioning Linebackers in the stadium parking lot. Eli is from New Orleans so he won’t be uncomfortable in the freak show that will be Raiderland on New Years Eve, but that does not mean that he will be able to hear himself think. The G-men are not road warriors by any means. The Raiders haven’t had a good day at the office since Marcus Allen was a whipper snapper. What am I getting at? I can already see the Giants saying in the post-game interviews that making the playoffs is all that matters. Raiders Baby!

I got the Panthers because the Falcons screwed me last week. I know that you should not gamble on tilt, but the Panthers are going to put this team down. The Panthers need the win and the Falcons just got a look into the mind of a Mora. I can’t see this team fighting hard when they have been a laughingstock all week because their coach was lost. Taxi! See ya in late July.

The game of the week is The Never Gonna Die Redskins and the We Been Dead For Months Eagles. The Eagles should be ashamed of the way they defended the NFC crown. The injuries are uncontrollable, but the circus was all their fault. Simply bad P.R. Coach Reid. The Skins have fought and fought and the whole damn team showed up for Clinton’s press conference this week. Even Ramsey is still better then McMann. They will know that the division is theirs for the taking when they take the field. Braves scalp these fightless Eagles.

The Bush Bowl! Texas at San Fran. Think Kiper is watching this one? I think the Sam Houston’s show some pride and pound the hapless miner 1849er’s. A 5 way tie in the Reggie sweepstakes.

Redskins Rule! The Cats have Poultry. The Raiders make the Giants crawl in, and Reggie goes back to SC.

Happy New Year!!

Week 16

2005-12-23T13:46:00.000-08:00

Tragedy Strikes.

By Bob Graziano

I am sure that you have all heard the news. Only days before Christmas, Tony Dungy’s first born was found dead in his Florida apartment. There are no words to express the sorrow. My deepest condolences to the entire Dungy family.

This last sad turn overshadowed a week of football that was the finest in 2005. Week 15 saw the Giants bounce the Chiefs with an all time performance by Tiki Barber. The Skins dismantled the Cowboys to set up a monster contest on Christmas Eve with those aforementioned G-men. New England trounced Tampa, the Bears bounced back against the Dirty Birds, Seattle survived a game McNair, and most shocking of all the Bolts bounced the Colts. The Shula crew poured bubbly again after San Diego shocked the world, or at least the press, and kept their flickering playoff hopes alive.

On the police blotter, Daunte Culpepper and 3 other Vikes were indicted for their roles in the Love Boat fiasco. Mike Tice also saw his winning streak slip under the waves as the Steel Curtain slapped those rampaging Vikings down. No other coach has done as fine a job in the face of the pure lunacy that has been the Vikings season. That being said, Coach Tice must find playoff tickets under the tree if he is going to get serious consideration for Coach of the Year. At this point I don’t see how his job could be in jeopardy. Randy Moss split before the season began; his all pro QB got himself taken off the field looking like a pretzel and is staring jail time in the face and Fred Smoot has spent the season causing trouble for everybody but opposing wide receivers. Not to mention that clip Tice suffered on the sideline. Tice is the guy they should keep. The rest of these clowns are the ones that should be packing their jock straps.

In Fantasy Land, most leagues are having their Championship games this week. I wish all the best to all the players that have finished in the money. Championships are what it is all about. A tip to all commissioners: in my league the Commish has paired up the entire league in various Bowls for the Holiday. For example the Get a F****** Name Already Bowl for the two dudes in our league that never gave their teams a name. This is both a fun way to end the season and keeps everybody interested in the league.

Last week I was 3 and 1 with my picks, only losing with the Colts of all teams. I have been so good at telling the future this season that there is a line of gypsies outside my house looking for advice. They are building a shrine to me at the OTB on the corner and my bookie just skipped town. The Grazianimal sees all!

This week promises gifts galore for football fans as the NFL is gearing up for its own playoff run. If you are still alive then you should be careful playing guys on teams that have clinched their berths already. Of course if you are still alive then the hell with you.

Game Number 1: Giants at Redskins

The G-Men march into Fed-Ex with a lead in the division and a lopsided victory over the Redskins in hand. Everything can change on a dime as the Redskins have remained relevant with a three game win streak and an 8 and 2 conference record. Tiki Barber is coming off a record setting 220 yard performance against the chiefs that has got people chattering about MVP consideration. The Giants have succeeded by any measure, turning a 4 and 12 team into a 10 win team with two to play. They have overcome a weak early defense and inconsistent QB play from Eli mostly with outstanding contributions from their veterans and a breakout season from Osi Umenyiora. They have also done it mostly at home. The Skins sport the biggest stadium in football and it is going to be loud. They got over that midseason swoon, got out of ‘Zona alive and pounded a hapless Cowpuke team just like was predicted in this column. Clinton Portis refuses to give up on the costume gag and I love it. Brunell is the exact opposite of Manning; over the hill, old, and super experienced. The kid is the only 2 and 3 on the road. Skins make the NFC East go down to the last weekend.

#2: San Diego at K.C.

This game is most likely an eliminator game for the loser. Both these teams have been called the second best team in the AFC at one point or another but both have piled up the bad losses. Larry Johnson has been putting on elite performances ever since the Priest went down for the season. LaDanian is all-world but comes into town nursing bruised ribs, the kind of injury that feels fine until the first lick of the game. K.C. has injury issues with Eddie Kennison nursing a bum knee. The Chiefs are way tougher at home then on the road, only losing one. The Bolts are gonna freeze. Chiefs put the sunset on sunny San Diego.

Game #3: Atlanta at the Bucs

This is another pick-um’ game with a shot at the playoffs at stake. The Buccaneers are in better position, but the Falcons are dangerous with Mike Vick at the helm. Both these teams were exposed last week against superior competition on the road and in cold weather. Lucky for both teams the game is in Florida. I wish I was in Florida. I could sublet my apartment out to the butcher as an extra meat locker. This game is gonna come down to playmakers. I like Dunn better than Cadillac and Vick better than Simms. Galloway is the wild card as he has no opposite on the Falcons team. It will come down to who wants it more so I am going with the Dirty Birds because they had the desire to make the NFC title game last year.

Bonus Pick: The It Means Less Than Nothing Bowl

I got the Seahawk scrubs over the Colt back-ups. This game is a possible preview of the Superbowl in laundry only as nobody of consequence will log more than a quarter.

Falcons piss off Chucky, Chiefs excuse Marty, and The Redskins snuff out the Tiki torch, with the Great Northwest raining on Indy.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to All!!

Send regifts to grazianimal@columnist.com

Week 15 Musings

2005-12-15T06:07:00.000-08:00

The Grazianimal Rambles On.

The playoff picture is coming into focus. The Colts are in and so are the Seahawks. That leaves 10 spots to be decided and uncountable Fantasy Championships to be awarded. Most leagues are down to their final four so consider yourself blessed to still be setting your line up. Lucky for most Fantasy players, with playoff hopes alive all across the league there will be few teams resting their studs in week 15. Even the Colts are playing for history so coach Dungy should let his boys post some numbers before putting them out to pasture.

It is not professional sports if some spoiled millionaire is not whining about something that the rest of us would give up our first born to endure. This week it was Aaron Brooks’ turn to give us all a little insight into how insulated from reality pro players are. I am not going to dignify his remarks with a quote. Dude, your city was destroyed. A nuke could have gone off in New Orleans and fewer people would have been displaced then after Katrina smashed the gulf coast. Get a grip. As if the Saints would not have sucked anyway. They are the Saints. Their home games are not on TV in the Big Easy. Haven’t been for years.

Last week I was a crappy flag away from another winning week almost calling that Brown upset. The officiating in this league is at an all time low. My favorite press conference all week is Mike Pereira on the NFL network explaining all the brain dead decisions. I am always incensed after it is over. The replay chickens have come home to roost. The zebras are afraid of their own shadows and must stare at each other looking for affirmation on the simplest of plays. Hey, what do you think the super slo-mo replay will show on this one? That I am incompetent, lost, and blind? Let them call these games in real time. Replay is stupid. Unless you like your football with ambivalent decision making, extra delays, confusing reasoning and a big old helping of second guessing from pencil necked announcers.

On to week 15. The chips are all on the table. By my count every team but the Jets has a shot, so we should see some desperate football. Games start on Saturday so set those line-ups early. There are all sorts of huge games this week, lets look at the big ones.

The Skins host the Cowboys in what might shape up to be an elimination game in the NFC East. Everybody remembers the Injuns winning in Dallas on two last second TD bombs to Santana Moss. Washington has been as inconsistent as any team in football, scratching their way back over five hundred with a two game winning streak. Dallas laid an egg in New York and then needed a penalty to save their cookies last week against Kansas City. These teams are coached by Hall of Famers so this season is against type for both of them. Anybody that says they know what will happen is full of malarkey. Here is what will happen. Drew Bledsoe makes everybody on the opposite sideline look good with yet another late season flop. There is a reason he keeps having to look for work.

Mike Tice looked so lost it was like he got to Minnesota by airplane crash. Dead black kids were telling him he was canned for sure in backwards mumbo jumbo speak and then disappearing into the mist of 10,000 lakes. There was a curly haired fat kid wandering around the practice field in a daze. Then a funny thing happened on the way to the unemployment line. His superstar QB went down for the season and all of a sudden Mike had his team back. Brad “Rodney No Respect” Johnson showed why he has one more Super Bowl ring then the Vikings franchise and the purple people eaters pounded out six wins in a row.

Now Mike is on the short list for Coach of the Year, the Vikes are staring the playoffs right in the face and Koren Robinson looks like the player so many of us drafted way back when. The Vikes are one game out of first place after the Bears stumbled in steel town. Did anyone see this coming when the press was in a swing party induced feeding frenzy back in week Love Boat? Kudos to the Long Island boy Tice, what else can you say? Pittsburg wins this week in Minny.

I am more tired of talking about the Colts than Terrell Owens. But they refuse to lose and this week they have a shot to put the knife into San Diego. The Chargers are trying to go golfing as bad as any team in the league. The Texans have more fight. Nick Saban said he could care less about wins 3 weeks ago and the Bolts went and handed him another one. Frerotte to Chambers is not Peyton to Marvin. The Colts are at home and that means Dungy ties Shula.

Picking the Colts does not even count anymore. So here is a bonus pick.

Chi-town vs. Hotlanta. The Birds looked great last week beating New Orleans and the Monsters looked sad in steel town. I am not worried about Mike Vick’s injury today as much as the injury he will get on Sunday night. On the other side Kyle Orton looks terrible when they win and last week he looked as bad as a NY Jet in the loss. Can he return to his winning ways? Will he get a chance or will we see the first of Rex? The Bears can’t let up because the Vikes somehow are right behind them. The Dirty Birds need this one too, so we will finally get some good football at 8:30. Home cooking wins this one. Da Bears.

I got the Redskins to stay relevant, the Steel Curtain to snuff Miracle Mike, the Colts to make some history, and the Bears to put the hurt on MV.

Somebody please e-mail grazianimal@columnist.com

Week14

2005-12-08T21:10:00.000-08:00

Here Lies the Grazianimal

By Bob Graziano

I didn’t even want to write this week’s piece. Why? Because I got bounced, that’s why. 13 weeks of fictionalized competition, drafting Curtis Martin and Daunte Culpepper, watching the Redskin Dee stink up the field and what do I have to show for it? 200 bucks light in the wallet and I am the first in line for Ric’s 2006 Draft Bible. My team was the best of the rest. Where is the justice?

I have been giving advice this season but all you guys still playing should be giving it to me so I am gonna keep my comments to week 14 and the meaning of life. The meaning of life is making the playoffs. As for football…

The Eagles moved this week to screw T.O. out of his signing bonus money. What a surprise. This guy got up on a broken leg to bring down 125 yards in the SB and all he got for Christmas was an ass rape. This is the thing, the league and the team mandate that players make themselves available to the press. T.O. has to speak. He does not have to do it in his living room, but that is just semantics. Football wants players to talk to the press, I guess only if they spout the party line. In a league with a salary cap what do you expect besides communism?

I know T.O. is an asshole and he would not stop yapping. I know he makes more cash then the rest of us combined, but this whole thing stinks. America is supposed to be safe for assholes. It is in the land of the unenlightened where people are supposed to be scared of a dissenting opinion. If you think that Big Business can screw a dude making millions with all his lawyers and agents and that attitude does not filter down to Johnny Stooge like you and I, then you are an idiot.

When did all this Marxist-Leninist thought get to be considered good thinking? People were killing T.O. in Philly 9 to 1. A day does not go by with out some moron yapping about a salary cap in baseball or some other artificial way to insure “parity” or “fairness”. You know what’s fair, Freedom.

In non labor law related news, Kerry Collins sucks so bad he has turned Randy Moss into Donte’ Stallworth. The Raiders are so fed up that they are going to start Marques Tuiasosopo, a guy that was knocked out in his only career start. They are playing the Jets so he might look like a stud come Sunday night.

If you have been waiting all season for Eric Moulds to do something positive then don’t dust off that happy face tee shirt just yet. He managed to get himself a one game suspension for conduct detrimental this week. Just another wide receiver taking it in the shorts for a team with a quarterback problem. Have the Buffalo coaches been watching their team? Losman and Holcomb ain’t Montana and Young.

The Jets announced that Jay Fiedler might miss all of next year. The Jets are such a mess I just got to get on them. Fiedler took the field and was instantly injured for what might be two years. Does this stuff happen to any other team in sports? They are gonna be just good enough to lose Reggie Bush, but that is alright because Matt Leinart might be Joe Namath.

Picking 3 road teams I was 2 for 3 last week. My only loss was the Cowboys at Giant Stadium. These guys blew as bad as any team coached by the Tuna I have ever seen. The G-Men converted 4 of 15 3rd downs and won. I have got to hand it to Strahan and Tiki and the Giant veterans. They have gotten to 8 and 4 with a hit or miss QB and an interesting, to say the least, defensive backfield.

This week the Browns are getting 12 points to travel to Cincy and put Chad Johnson to the test. This just in… Chad guaranteed my lease and a bumper crop of soybeans. The Browns will start Charlie Frye after his solid performance last week. Ruben Droughns is just as productive on the Browns as he was last year on the Broncos. Romeo Crennel might be the most even keeled coach in the game this side of Nick Saban. The Bengals might be on their way to the Super Bowl. Chad sure thinks so. I would not be telling you about this game if I was picking a huge favorite. The Browns shock the Johnsons.

The Colts have a real opponent this week. No more Texans and Titans. The Jags beat a game Browns team last week with David Garrard at the helm. The Jags are 9 and 3. How did this team get to 9 and 3? Fred Taylor is out every other week. Jimmy Smith has been consistent if not as spectacular as when the season started. Greg Jones has gotten the job done as Taylor’s replacement. They’re at home. And there is no way that they stop this Colts team.

Chicago marches into Pittsburg as an underdog after showing the Pack the door. The Bears are on an 8 game winning streak and this week saw an argument about the QB’s starting job. A quarter’s job is to win, not get injured in the preseason. I think Lovie is smart enough to know that. Last week exposed the Steelers as a pretender in 2005. Big Ben is a week or two away from surgery. Still, the computer has Pitt in what I think would be a big upset. I don’t see it. Expect to see Charlie Batch taking a few snaps in this one. The Bears march on.

This week it’s the Browns, Bears and Colts and no bending over for The Man.

grazianimal@columnist.com for directions on winning playoff games.

#3 The Grazianimal Speaks!

2005-11-17T20:18:00.000-08:00

Week 11 is right around the corner and the Fantasy Playoffs are on the horizon. Most leagues are staring their trading deadlines right in the face. The last chance to stock up your lineup for the championship run, will you pull the trigger?

Here is a deadline tip. If you are deep at a position now is the time to use that depth to diversify your line up. Good starters win games, trade those guys that would sit on your bench under normal circumstances. You should have a good idea what players are prone to missing time and those that are warhorses. Expect to use the waiver wire to cover injuries over the last six weeks of the season. Blockbusters are fun, but a little move for a guy who will start can make the difference for your team.

On to Football. The Vikings raided the Meadowlands, storming the Giants with the first ever punt, kickoff, and interception returned for touchdowns in one game. Young Eli looked a lot more like the old man then his big brother, tossing 4 INT’s. Manning and the Giants let a hapless Viking team off the canvas and right back into the race in the NFC North. I think the 6 and 3 Bears have what it takes, but at 4 and 5 and reinvigorated the Purple People Eaters have at least another week in them.

Anybody who loves the game is disgusted by instant replay. The Washington Redskins were disgusted by instant replay when a view of Mike Alstott’s 2-point conversion that showed his elbow on the ground outside of the end zone was ignored and the go ahead points were awarded to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This is what the league has devolved into, Mike Pereira, Head of Officials, must go onto the NFL network each week and explain what the hell these guys were thinking. “Even though we had some incontrovertible evidence, it was against the home team and therefore we had to rule for the Schmukaneers.” Gag me with a 3 chip Hi-Def digital video camera.

While I am ranting about folks that don’t know what they are doing, The Philadelphia Eagles.

Week 11 has one overriding storyline. The game of the week is the Colts and, would you believe, the Bengals. Cincy is 7 and 2 and tied with the Steelers atop the AFC North. It sure is not three years ago. Chad Johnson just guaranteed that he would not be stopped on Sunday. The Colts have not been stopped all season. 9 and zero after showing the Texans what the other side of the football rainbow looks like. I think this team has what it takes to make a move on those ’72 Dolphins. With a nod to Chad and his pronouncement I am picking the Colts for 10 and 0h baby!

I was 2 and 1 in my picks last week and that brought my career record in this column to 5 on the monies and 1 Gus Frerotte. My bad on that one. I had that Colts-Texans game figured, Ha Ha, and the Fish let one get away. I told the future with Green Bay and Atlanta. The Grazianimal sees all.

Brett brought the scattergun to dirty bird country in the person of Samkon Gado. The Pack ain’t so bad with a running game. They are back to Lambeau for the Vikes on Monday night in a game that was not supposed to mean anything. Suddenly Minnesota is tied for second in the division with a lot a football to play. If you picked up Gado last week, put him in. The GB wide receivers, Driver, and at this point, Chatman are good plays. You should also consider Mewelde Moore as a 2^nd RB if you need him and his wrist is healed. He had a TD return against the Giants but saw no carries. If he does not play again, then Mike Bennett will get the work. Pay attention to the injury reports. One of those guys should have a nice stat line.

The Skins are reeling after a quick start, losing 2 of 3. Lucky for them the Raiders stumble into FedEx Field on a two game losing streak. The Redskins are undefeated at home, 4 and 0, and that is a good omen for owners of Washington braves. Look to this game for a Brunell renaissance and another Santana explosion. Clinton Portis and LaMont Jordan are must starts. Randy Moss and Jerry Porter have a tougher job. They are both banged up and the Skin Dee is solid if not spectacular, all the more so at home. Moss has been a must start all season, but has failed to break ten points twice in the last 4 weeks. Maybe he is not a must start. Nah, he is. There probably will be a lot of points to go around in this one.

The Jets are a mess. Their coach is being openly courted by a conference rival, they just lost another starter, and Carolina whooped up on them. Thirteen point underdogs on the road against a surprisingly strong Denver team, only a maniac would take the Jets to win outright. I am such a maniac. Here is why. The kid has got chutzpah to spare. The Jets can stop the run. Curtis Martin is my starting running back. And the kid has got brass balls. The Jets almost caught the Bolts on a day when LT had 4 scores. They played the Cats to a standstill until the game exploded on them. Are the bucking Broncs an 8 and 2 team? The computer gives the Jets this game 1 in 5 times. I am giving it to them on Sunday.

From the miserable to the sublime, Carolina and Chicago have not gotten all the press, but this game could preview the NFC championship. Chi-town is strong. No one wants to give them respect because of Kyle Orton’s inexperience, but he has driven this team to 6 and 3. They have built on a foundation of defense and smash mouth running and how many titles were won on those bricks? Carolina has moved to 7 and 2 with a six game streak. Steve Smith is a whirlwind. This game is gonna be awesome. Last week the home dog betrayed me…Panthers.

I has come to my attention that some folks can’t figure who I pick, so this week it is the Jets, Panthers, and Colts Oh My!

E-mail stupidity to: grazianimal@columnist.com

#2 The Week That Was and the Week That Will Be

2005-11-17T20:14:00.000-08:00

Time Out! Total Overkill! Terrell Owens Fired! No Fun League Strikes Again!

Holy overkill Batman! The Eagles, in their “we know what we are doing, we never won a Super Bowl mindset”, fired their best player and promptly lost to division rival Washington. “We can’t take it anymore! All this guy does is bitch all week and kick ass all Sunday!” hollered Coach Reid. How dare he make fun of nice guy “Chunky Soup” McNabb? How dare he blow the doors off opposing DB’s? In the land of “We boo Santa” Philly, there is no place for “I boo my QB” Terrell.

There has not been a bigger faux pas since Ike cut Patton. Not since the French let the Muslims in. What the hell is Philly thinking? Harmony does not win ballgames, 91 yard TD receptions do. Terrell does not shut up, and he says stupid things to ESPN interns on his doorstep with the video cameras they got for Christmas. This is not news. His agent is a numbskull. This is not news. He wants more money because he is the finest wide receiver in all of football land. So instead of giving this guy a raise the Philadelphia brain trust fired their superstar. Smooth move Ex-lax. Try this one on for size Andy, “I have no comment on Mr. Owens’ comments.” But then Andy would not be leading his team. Leading them right into the cellar of the NFC East.

In football action this week every running back in fantasy land was injured. Or so it seemed as Tom Jones, Fred Taylor, Mewelde Moore, Reuben Droughns and Kevin Jones all left week 9 hurt. At least Reuben piled up the yards before being helped off the field. Inspired by the Ohio State Police he had 116 yards on the ground and 73 more through the air. All that running and booze must have led to his leg cramps. He should be in fine working order week 10.

By now if you have been paying attention to your Fantasy team then you understand the injury bug is a gigantic roach that consumes all the players it can get it’s antennae on. I hope that you have planned accordingly. Depth wins championships. The good news is that Sam Gado, Mike Bennett, ReShard Lee, Adrian Peterson, Cedric Benson, Alvin Pearman and Greg Jones should be on the waiver wire. Look for these guys to see action and plug roster holes for the near future. Both Gado and Peterson looked good scoring TD’s and running for over 50 yards. The rookie Benson had 79 yards. Gado had 26 carries so expect the Pack to stick with the hot hand. Mike Bennett had 106 and a TD reception for Minny. Nice action if you can get it.

Sadly, it seems like the career of Wayne Chrebet is over. I witnessed the noggin rocking tackle that sent Wayne into La La land. The guy has played hard his whole career and put his team ahead of his own safety. Let’s hope he quits before he’s drooling into a cup. The 2005 Jets are not worth it.

At the Jets game, Curtis Martin scored his 100th career touchdown, one of only 17 men to do it. The stadium announcer made mention. Just food for thought.

Toot! Toot! Toot! That is the sound of my own horn honking. I was 3 for 3 on picks last week calling the Bears, the Skins and the Colts who tossed off the monkey and the Patriots at Lincoln Field. Boy Peyton is well on his way this year, 8 for 8 at the turn. This week is cake as the not so tall Texans walk into Indy. I am picking Indy to be 9 and 0 when they stride into Cincinnati in week 11.

That is the easiest pick on the board, so let’s look at New England and Miami. This game is for first as 3 and 5 Miami is only one game behind 4 and 4 New England. The Pats are a road favorite despite the middling record and the faltering defense. Gus Ferotte is the polar opposite of Tom Terrific. Tom good, Gus Bad. So how do the Dolphins pull this one out? Rushing.

The Pat Dee is letting up 4.0 yards a rush and The Fish can run. The two headed pot smoking monster that is Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams is tearing up the league.

RB has 173 yards the last two weeks, RW has 134. They both have a knack for busting big runs. If Chris Chambers and Marty Booker can just keep the New England defenders honest expect the Kid from ‘Bama and the Stoned Hammer to win it for Miami. I am picking the home dog.

Chicago survived the aforementioned loss of their starting horse to clip the Saints on the final play in Red Stick, Louisiana. The Bears are rolling, four wins in a row for the first time since ‘01-’02. You have to simply love the ’05 Bears. Smash mouth and Orton off the bench has them sitting in first with the 49er’s on the way into town. I called on Mushin last week and he responded with 3 balls for 85 yards. Stick with him.

Pick number 3 this week is Green Bay over the Dirty Birds in Hotlanta. Farve on the rug in the dome running and gunning all day. The master teaches the young jedi a thing or two about throwing down field. And winning.

#1 THE WEEK THAT WAS AND THE WEEK THAT WILL BE

2005-11-17T20:09:00.000-08:00

An earthquake struck the NFL and it was not the beginning of my correspondence. The epicenter of this trembler was the right knee of one Dante Culpepper. The All-pro All-world quarter had his lower leg torqued almost completely off after a ten yard scamper. A brutal injury and the alphabet soup of torn ligament designations did nothing to quell the horror of the Halloween’s eve collision.

Aftershocks rolled over the Football landscape. Fred Smoot was left defenseless. Ruben Droughns could not handle the stress. And all those in Fantasy land were forced to abandon all hope of a Minnesota renaissance. Except Brad Johnson, on whose shoulders it falls to captain the purple and golden Titanic. Pick him up if you need some quarterback depth.

On the other side of the freakish injury coin, Teddy Bruschi returned to the field of play for the reigning champs. He promptly solidified what had been a porous New England defense by taking down ten opposing ball carriers. Bruschi arrived just in time for the return of boy Peyton and the Colts. The flywheels of team Belichick must be spinning furiously with thoughts of torture for the strong armed Cajun. A football fan’s delight on Monday night.

In Pittsburg, Big Ben showed again that he is the real deal. It would be presumptuous to refer to him as the finest in the league, but the folks in Steel City have nothing but blue skies ahead. I watched as young Benjammin’ steeled himself against a lineman’s attack and then threw the completion. Nice.

You cannot have a discussion of week 8 and not include Steve Smith. The dude looks like a Grand National with the throttle wide open. If you picked him up with your 2^nd or 3^rd receiver choice then you know exactly what I am talking about. Start him if he’s got the week off.

The Giants sent their prayers and the Skins up to Heaven and did old man Mara Proud. Big Blue made a statement in the NFC east. Lucky for the Skins you can make a statement almost every week in that division. They are my first pick, ever. The Washington Redskins will step back up to the plate and slap the reeling Eagles in cheese steak land.

We are blessed. As fans of the Game every snap that slams into the hands of Brett Farve has the chance to be fantastic. I never saw Namath. I never saw Fran. Farve is the gunslinger. He plays by the seat of his pants. It brought him a championship and we are all the better for it. And it could end any minute. One and six make those linemen look gigantic. Let’s hope the undermanned Pack can figure a way to win one for the Mississippi Madman. With Pitt on the horizon, it will not be easy. Play Driver and Chatman and Franks because Brett will be behind and chucking it.

The Jets. How to continue? They are on quarterback #3 after trying #4 and losing #1 and #2. Of all people LaDainian Tomlinson strides into Giants Stadium. In an aside, can the Jets get a home? How are they ever going to stand tall playing inside the blue walls? L.T. is so freakin’ good he already has a hall of fame nickname. Play him in all formats. The only Jet in your lineup could be Curtis Martin if you don’t have an obviously stronger option. This will be high scoring. He gets the ball even if Heimodingbag has no idea how to use him.

By the time I get to Arizona. What is the Green machine thinking benching McCown? Does he want to see Kurt Warner drop back and get clobbered again? He didn’t see enough of that already, or with the Giants last year? Kurt’s wife has not convinced the Cards that he is a meathead? Play Seattle D as Kurt likes to sit. A lot.

Chi town’s finest. Monsters of the midseason. They have played ball and they are in first place as Lovie Smith has so properly pointed out to the press. Poor N.O. Their city was destroyed. No foolin’, New Orleans is freakin’ empty. Folks have been pounding on Tom Benson, but in his defense, the Big Easy is gone and it might be years before there are enough people letting the good times roll to sell out a game. Not that they did before the apocalypse.

Play Tom Jones. Play the Chicago defense. And this week play Mushin Muhammad. This is the week that the travel, the disaster and the home games in who knows where catch up to the Saints and the Bears show they are for real. The kid is learning quick. The Bears get points this week, and I am picking them for the victory.

Ya thought I was gonna pass? Hah? No way. The game of the week is the Colts and the Patriots and here are my two cents. Colts. Damn Pats had enough winning.